*Tashishka

I'm a wee bit annoyed at the minute, hence this huge entry... the reason for which can be found somewhere at the bottom of this rant...


During the last few years, society, more specifically Western society has seen a complete change in the way sex and sexuality is discussed, viewed and experienced. We live on an age where sex is expected and everyone is assumed to be sexual, where the media, portray everyone as sexual and constantly tempted by sex.

So what exactly does being asexual mean? For humans, unlike amoebas, it does not mean having the ability to clone one’s self on the spot, nor does it mean not having any sexual organs. Asexuality is defined as “not experiencing sexual attraction." A study published by the New Scientist magazine in October, 2004 estimated that 1% of the human population is asexual, and confirmed the existence of asexuality in both humans and other animals.

Asexuality is seen by some as not being an orientation, more a lack of orientation. They feel they have no sexual orientation at all. Most however feel that it is an orientation in its own right. There is, after all sexual attraction to the same and opposite genders and both genders, therefore why not neither gender?

People do wonder however, why asexuals choose to name their orientation as they reason that an asexual would not define themselves by their sex or sexuality. Imagine being asexual however and having no sexual attraction to either gender. People are always interested in others sex lives (or lack thereof) and invariably the question of sexuality will come up in conversation. How then do you reply to the question 'Are you hetero, homo or bi?' What can you say in reply? The answer 'I'm not sexual' seems like the right one, but then you have defined yourself in relation to sex. Simply saying 'None of the above' will prompt the question 'So what are you then?' hence the name asexual.

It does not however mean that an asexual is completely unable to form any form of attachment to people or are incapable of finding others attractive, far from it. It merely means that sexual acts (be that intercourse, kissing, etc.) do not hold any importance to them and in some cases, they may actively disgust the individual. Asexuals may regard others as aesthetically attractive without sexual attraction and they are very capable of love. Just because they may be uninterested in seeking out a partner in the traditional way, does not mean they are misanthropic and incapable for forming close bonds or ever having relationships. Although they may look for love in a completely different way, they are capable of the same feelings of compassion and devotion as anyone else - just expressed in a different way.

An important distinction to make is between ‘sex drive’ and ‘romance drive.’ In our society today, the two have become somewhat synonymous- in order to be ‘in love’ one must have sex, and if one does not, then it cannot be love. Romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction. For some people expressions of love must involve sex. To them being sexually capable means that you would wish to involve your loving partner in this sexuality. For asexual however, this connection between love and sex is not there. They feel that love and intimacy can be expressed without sexual activity. Keeping a partner out of your sexual feelings, does not mean that you are rejecting them or that you are not expressing your love fully.

Asexuality is not the same as celibacy. Celibacy or abstinence is when a sexual person chooses not to have sex. It is their own choice, be it for religious or moral reasons, they may dislike the experience of sex; they may think that sex must only exist as part of a long-term committed relationship. The distinction between asexuality and celibacy or abstinence is that asexuality is not a choice. Asexual people can choose to have sex and still remain asexual as they derive not sexual attraction or need from sex.

Asexuals with a ‘romance drive’ can also fit the typical orientation descriptions of ‘straight/gay/bi/something else, as they only fall for certain types of people. Some asexuals may decide only to form relationships with a certain type of person for some intellectual reason, or it could be a simple preference like preferring chocolate flavour to strawberry. Other asexuals identify as bisexual because their asexual relationships are not based upon gender (chocolate and strawberry both being very tasty). Asexuals might form unconventional relationships and therefore identify as polyamorous or queer.

The world today is sex obsessed. Sex touches every part of the world; it is in songs, books, film, radio, T.V., adverts, comics, art and shops. Couples are everywhere and sex and/or relationships will no doubt come up in conversation every day. Our culture seems to demand the need to find ‘a perfect mate.’ To settle down and start a family. Many people (no just asexuals) find themselves hounded by friends and family asking when they are going to find a partner and settle down. In this climate it is very difficult to ignore the fact that sex and sexuality exist, a fact that may not be obvious to sexual persons, but is blindingly obvious to asexuals.

Living in such an over-sexed culture, many asexuals feel isolated. Asexuality is rarely heard of and is largely unknown, so many young asexuals growing up find it very difficult. They notice that they are different to their peers and assume that they are horribly broken in some way and need to be ‘cured.’ This can often lead to self-loathing, withdrawal from society and experimentation with sex. This can be particularly traumatising for asexuals with no sex drive.

With the hounding of family and friends, many asexuals find it easier to blend in with society by pretending to be sexual, by nodding in agreement when someone says that so-and-so is hot, or by laughing at sexual jokes. They are in effect hiding the truth. For others it is never an issue as, either they have very accepting family and friends or they just never find themselves in a situation where they are expected to discuss sex.

So what causes asexuality?
Nothing is known to cause asexuality. Common assumptions of causes are:

Abuse - Abuse is not known to cause asexuality. It may cause repulsion, hatred or fear of sex, but not asexuality. Almost all abuse victims turn out to be sexual, and those who don't weren't sexual to begin with.

Hormonal or Chemical Imbalances - While some drugs do repress libido, and pregnant and pre-natal women lack a sex drive, hormonal problems are rarely the cause of asexuality. Many asexuals have gone through rigorous tests which conclude that their hormones are completely normal.

Genes - Scientists may have found a 'gay gene' which increases the chances of the carrier being gay. There is no known 'asexuality gene' but the possibility does exist.

Social Recluse - Asexuals are normal people. Some of them are popular, some aren't, some are extroverts, some introverts, and of course some are very withdrawn. It is possible that there is a higher percentage of asexual introverts than sexual introverts, but that is probably caused by the asexuality: most people naturally become withdrawn from the world if they don't fit in.

Fear Of Relationships - Also trust issues. A fear or relationships or a lack of trust does not lead to a lack of sexual attraction. These issues are separate to asexuality. They can coexist with asexuality, just as sexual people also have these problems.

Some not so common reasons:

Premature Birth - The theory was that premature babies may not have had their full quota of sexual hormones while in the womb. This one was quickly ruled out as research showed that although many asexuals were premature, some were full term and many others were beyond full term.

Oldest Child - An Internet poll with 53 respondents interestingly shows that 49% of asexuals are the oldest child in a family. This should not be taken seriously as evidence, however, as there are simply not enough data collected on the subject.

Death of a Loved One - As a child, the death of a family member or close friend can be very traumatic, and it was speculated that this could lead to asexuality. However, most children who have suffered a loss grow up to be sexual.


On first hearing about asexuality many sexual people fail to comprehend what asexuality is. So here are some common misconceptions about asexuality:

Celibacy - Celibacy is a choice not to have sex. Asexuality is not a choice but an orientation, and while some asexuals do not have a sex drive, others do.

A disorder - Asexuality is just another orientation. While some people still have a problem with the existence of more than one orientation, it is widely accepted that there are more. Asexuals are just like any other people, and come from all walks of life, all countries, and all religions. Asexuals are just as mentally balanced as the rest of the human race.

Homosexuals in hiding - Asexuals are not claiming to be asexuals because they are homosexual and don't want to admit it. Homosexuals, who don't want to admit it, like asexuals who don't want to admit to it, tend to claim that they are heterosexual. To claim to be asexual would draw close scrutiny of their sexuality and sex life, which is the last thing someone who wants to stay in the closet wants.

A late bloomer - Asexuality is usually a lifelong thing; if you are born asexual you will stay asexual, and most asexuals do. Most, because as with other sexualities, some people do drift into a different sexuality. It is possible to both become asexual having been sexual, and become sexual having been asexual. If you are 13 and haven't felt sexual attraction then you could be a late bloomer. If you are 20, you are very probably asexual.

Frigidity - Frigidity is sexual unresponsiveness. Asexuality is an orientation, and those asexuals who have a sex drive do enjoy sex. It is, of course, possible to be both asexual and frigid, but neither implies the other.

Sexual repression - People who are sexually repressed are still sexual, however deeply they have buried their sexual feelings. Asexuals are not sexually repressed, but merely feel no sexual attraction.

Fear of sex - Asexuality is an orientation, not a fear. Some asexuals have and enjoy sex; others do not because they have no sex drive.

Only for women - Both men and women can be asexual. Currently the statistics show that more asexuals are women, but that could be simply because fewer men wish to admit to it.

Nature's way of controlling population - This was also thought of homosexuals, but studies have shown that even in endangered species there are homosexual specimens. Other studies have shown that the existence of homosexuality is an evolutionary advantage as it means there are a few adults around without offspring who can devote more time and energy to looking after nephews and nieces, and the same could be said for asexuality. There is no reason to believe that asexuality is a way of controlling population, particularly as some asexuals do enjoy sex and do have children.

A hormonal problem - Although this may be true for a small number of people, it is not the case for most asexuals. Many asexuals have gone through many tests to identify hormonal problems, to find that levels were completely normal.

Social retardedness - Asexuals are normal people. Some of them are popular, some aren't, some are extroverts, some introverts, and of course some are very withdrawn.

Ugliness - Asexuals do not choose to identify as asexual because they are ugly or 'can't get any'. Just like the rest of the human race, some asexuals are beautiful, most are average, and some aren't so good-looking.

Pickiness - It is not that asexuals are very picky about who they date. Many just don't feel the need to date anyone, and those who do date are only picky about sexual activity.

Religiousness - Some asexuals are religious, some very religious, and others are not at all religious. Some statistics suggest that asexuals are more likely to be religious.



Okay everyone up to speed? Good. Basically this mini-essay was inspired by some rather hurtful remarks made to me recently by an ex. He basically told me that I was cold, incapable of feeling love and going to die alone, all because I would not have sex with him and am not a great fan of public displays of affection (kissing, holding hands etc.)

Don’t get me wrong, I have not just suddenly discovered that I am asexual. I have known for a long time now, I have just never felt the need to say anything about it as things were fine without anyone knowing. Now however, following this guy’s outburst, I thought it would be a good idea to mention something.

It does not change me in any way nor should it change anyone’s perceptions of me (I bet there are a few of you that are not remotely surprised by this revelation )as I have not changed in any way. I have always been asexual, the only thing that has changed is that I have brought it out in the open. If you are going to treat me any differently, please don’t. That’s all I’m going to say. I have survived this long without any special treatment so don’t start now. (Or I may get really annoyed.)
If anyone has any questions etc I’ll be happy to attempt to answer them to the best of my ability but it’s quite likely that there’s no definite answer (it will not stop me trying though !)

If you have managed to get this far, I applaud you! This is an incredibly long entry. I make no apologies however as I felt this needed saying. I do however apologise for any spelling, grammatical or weird formatting errors!

Peace out
X x